Signs You Might Be Drinking Too Much Coffee (humor)

kinkajou with TOO.MUCH.CAFFEINE. caption.
I’m pretty sure this is a kinkajou and that he hasn’t really had too much coffee.

As a public service, presents a few signs for overzealous coffee lovers to watch out for.

You might be drinking too much coffee if…

  • Your favorite coffee shop has a day in your honor.
  • Some farmer in Colombia names his donkey after you.
  • You never miss an Al Pacino movie just because his name sounds like a coffee drink.
  • You have a google alert for when pumpkin spice is back in season.
  • Starbucks gives you your own parking spot.
  • You bought a coffee farm in Hawaii even though you knew nothing about growing coffee.
  • You haven’t yawned since 2014.
  • You start a website about coffee.
  • George Clooney is your spirit animal.
  • Sometimes you can see sounds and hear colors.
  • You are “Employee of the Month” at Dunkin’ and you don’t even work there.
  • You’ve worn out the handle on your coffee mug.
  • Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
  • You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
  • Your blood type is Arabica positive.
  • Your resume lists Juan Valdez as a reference.
  • You have a tattoo that says, “Born to Brew.”
  • You have NEVER lost a staring contest.
  • You spend 40 hours a week at Starbucks and you don’t work there.
  • You named your cats “Cream” and “Sugar.” And your son “Joe.”
  • Your nicknames for your kids are “Star” and “Buck.”
  • You call your child’s baptism “a pour over.”
  • She asks, “Coffee, tea, or me” and you reply, “With cream, please.”
  • You think the hole in the top of your coffee pot is a straw holder.
Coffee pot with a straw in the hole that the coffee drips into. It's funny.
Not my pic… it’s all over the internet.

You might be drinking too much coffee if…

  • Your doctor tells you to limit your coffee to four cups a day and you immediately go shopping for A. a bigger mug and B. another doctor.
  •  Your barista now drives a Mercedes.
  • All your bodily fluids smell like espresso.
  • You no longer have an “inside voice.”
  • There’s a chair with a plaque with your name on it in every coffee shop in town.
  • You don’t have a problem with caffeine… you have a problem without caffeine.
  • You walk into the café and you are greeted like Norm on Cheers.
  • You believe the four food groups should be coffee, cream, pastry, and quiche.
  • You have a bumper sticker that says “Save Water, Drink Coffee.”
  • When someone says the word “porn” you think “latte art” and “Princess Coffee.”
  • You can play the “Minute Waltz” in 38 seconds.
  • Your birthstone is a coffee bean.
  • You have a coffee to relax after you finish a long cup of coffee.
  • You don’t drink coffee to wake up, you wake up to drink coffee.

This is meant to be humorous. If you are concerned that your coffee habits are becoming a problem, I wrote a serious post about the health effects of drinking too much coffee. If you are seriously worried about the health effects of drinking too much coffee, speak to your health care provider.


I am Tim Bruno, a former Kona coffee farmer promoting the soon to be released Procaffeination: A Coffee Lover’s Dictionary and several other coffee-related products. I will soon be adding a YouTube channel to my efforts. Stay tuned!

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